Thank you!

Thank you to everyone for your kind words of support and love! It means so much to me, really. We are really excited but at the same time its such a different experience being pregnant after a loss, gone is the naive innocent giddiness and all the hopeful planning. Instead I have an appointment on Tuesday and I'm TERRIFIED that the baby won't be alive. *sigh* Though it is very hard, I have a deeper sense of gratitude and hopefulness that I wouldn't have if I hadn't been through the opposite. My joy is greater because my sorrow has and is so deep.

For anyone that might be curious, we are doing well for the most part. We are still living at and managing a storage unit property. At first it was cool and exciting but that has worn off now and I often find myself feeling lonely, with no neighbors and the monotony of the same thing every day. I'm getting more anxious for Zach to get a reporter job so we can have some stability for a least a year. As things are right now we don't know what the future holds and its just a very unsettling feeling. If I knew we would be here for another year that would be one thing but I don't, as soon as Zach gets offered a job we'll be gone. I yearn for that feeling of knowing we will be staying in one place for an extended period of time.

Details about the baby...my technical due date is June 21, 2010...however, I won't go that long. At 36 weeks they will do an amnio to check the baby's lungs and if they are developed enough they will induce me...so we are 99% sure the baby will be here the third or fourth week of May. How I can't wait for that day!!!

Other things we have been up to....

For Halloween we carved pumpkins with Zach's family, Zach got a REALLY big pumpkin, and on actual Halloween night we went and saw my nephew go trick or treating and visited some good friends.


For Thanksgiving we went up to my sister's and had a scrumptious dinner there with her and some of her in laws. Its my family's turn this year but my whole family wasn't getting together
(boo! I'm not happy about this) so us Utahans had dinner together.

For Christmas we will be with Zach's family which should be fun. We just got out all the decorations so our house feels more like Christmas...kinda bitter sweet. I think I was subconsciously putting it off, and as we unwrapped the nativity, etc. I realized that the last time I saw these things was when I was putting them all away, just days after my baby had died. Lots of somber feelings coming back as her one year approaches.

Happy News

I was going to wait a couple more weeks to announce this, but really its a miracle I made it this far without spilling the beans to everyone! :) Its true, I'm pregnant! We are very excited, grateful, happy but also very nervous. We are trying to have faith and not fear but its very hard.

A baby that is conceived after a loss is often referred to as a "Rainbow Baby", if you really think about it the term is very fitting. A rainbow comes in the midst of a storm, in fact you can't have a rainbow without the storm. Another angel mom says it best, "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope." I just want to make it clear that Alexis is and always will be our first baby and will always be a part of our family. This pregnancy and new baby will help heal our heartache but this baby will also know that he/she has a big sister and we will always talk and include Alexis in our family. I've said this many times before, but I just don't want her to be forgotten.

So, we are entering a new part of our journey. So far everything looks great and the baby is growing. We've had two doctors appointments so far and at the last one we were able to hear and see a very strong heartbeat, 160 bpm. I've been pretty sick and "bleh" but I can't complain at all, I'm so grateful for this life inside of me.

Now, a lot of me has reservations about this post in that I don't want to hurt any of my wonderful angel mommy friend's feelings. I know it was hard for me to hear about others being pregnant and so I'm so sorry if this makes anyone kind of sad, but I want you to know that its okay and that I totally understand. I truly pray that this blessing will come to each of you. And I also have friends who have a hard time conceiving and I wish with ALL MY HEART that I could give this same blessing to you. Just know that I love you all and pray for you and am here for you!

Its a MIRACLE!!

Literally a miracle! Stellan is SVT FREE!! You have to go back and read the past few pots by his mom to understand what an utter miracle this is. Seriously, go to her site and read, http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ They did it!! I have chills! Its just so exciting. The Lord does indeed work mighty miracles. That little boy must have a very special mission to perform. Congratulations McKmama and Stellan and your whole family!

Pray for Stellan NOW!

A lot of you probably already know about Stellan, lots of you probably don't, but he and his family need your prayers RIGHT NOW! Please say a prayer this very minute for them, that Stellan will live if it is the Lord's will, and if not then that their family will be overcome with peace. You can read more about Stellan here: http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Lexi...Stellan's mommmy needs lots of comfort, please go be with them, lift them up and give them peace!

Love you - Mommy

Ramblings...

I'm just sitting here minding the Storage Unit office and I thought I would sieze the opportunity to write a little something. I don't know how this is going to turn out, so we'll see.

First off, can I just say it is such a pet peeve of mine when people screen calls and don't listen to voicemail. I called this lady and after I got done leaving a voicemail, she called back.... like 30 seconds after leaving the voicemail (obvious screening... At least wait a little bit. I make it a point to wait at LEAST 5 minutes when screening calls.) So I answer the phone... "Thank you for calling Towne Storage, West Valley. This is Zach, how can I help you?" (I want to start answering the phone "It's a beautiful day at Towne Storage West Valley, what's your favorite number?" But I don't know how well that would go over...

Anyway. The first thing this lady says when I answer the phone is:
"Yeah? I just got a call from this number. What do you want?"

Well, right away I'm put off. Obviously she didn't listen to my message or she'd KNOW what I wanted.

Me (in my most pleasent customer service voice, holding back my sarcasm): "Oh, I left you a very detailed message. You didn't listen to it?"

Her (slightly embarassed): "Oh... um, no. I just called back before I picked up the message."

What I wanted to say: "Oh, wow. That wasn't very smart. Maybe you should be more considerate and take the time to listen to sincerely placed voicmails before wasting my time by making me repeat myself because you were too lazy to pick up the phone in the first place."

What I actually said: "That's alright. I was just calling to... (proceeded to repeat the voicemail I left, almost verbatim.)

I have to be fair... maybe she sincerely didn't get to the phone in time. I know there have been times I've been making a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and haven't heard my phone until the 5th or 6th ring and by the time I run up the stairs, trip on the top step, flig open the bedroom door and hurdle the bed only to hear the sound of silence when I answer the phone. I have also experienced the delay of telephone processing messages. (Sometimes it makes me wonder if SD 6 is holding onto my voicemails and only filtering the parts they want me to hear, keeping the other parts for itelligence purposes.)

But in this situation, I really feel like I was screened/message ignored. Not a good feeling. In short:

Screened call + immediate call-back - waiting for message = big pet peeve.

Well, that turned into a longer posting than I thought. I've got things to do to close up the office. Thanks for listening to me rant.

-Zach (sorry, no cute flower signature here.)