Baby's Heartbeat

Zach and I bought a fetal doppler a while back, when I was about 9 or 10 weeks. You couldn't find the heartbeat when I was that far along but now you can and its so fun to be able to hear the baby's heartbeat any time we want! :) Take a listen to our little peanut (and the little bear just makes it even more cute!):

Then

Amy got me the Brad Paisley CD "American Saturday Night" for Christmas. Even though she's not a huge fan of his music. That's why I love her. She'll endulge my likes even if she doesn't like them.

So, I've spent the day listening to Brad. One song that I especially like is called "Then." I'd heard it on the radio before, but listening to it again really made me think. It's the way I feel about Amy. Some of the minor details don't apply to us, but the concept remains the same. I can't imagine loving Amy more, but then I do.

I remember, trying not to stare the night that I first met you
You had me mezmorized
And three weeks later, in the front porch light
taking forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight
I hadn't told you yetbut I thought I loved you then

Chorus

And now you're my whole life.
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

And I remember,
taking you back to right where I first met you,
You were so surprised
There were people around, but I didn't care
Got down on one knee right there once again,
I thought I loved you then

Chorus

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

I could just see you, with a baby on the way
And I could just see you, when your hair is turning gray
What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more
But I've said that before

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in
And I'll look at you and say
And I thought I loved you then
And I thought I loved you then

-Zach

Feliz Navidad!!!

Christmas Morning! Presents from Santa and each other.

Santa brought Amy a Snuggie. She was so excited. She wanted one and she needed one. She is always cold.
Me on Christmas morning... living in a haze (apparently.)

Hope your Christmas was as great as ours.
-Zach

Build Your Own Pizza Night

Since Amy hasn't been feeling well (with morning sickness [which should actually just be called "pregnancy sickness" or "first trimester sickness" or "you're-pregnant-and-your-body-is-going-to-make-sure-you-don't-forget-it-24-hours-a-day sickness"]) I've tried to help out by taking dinner into my own hands. Since I don't know how to make a whole lot, we've had to get creative.

One night as I was rummaging through the fridge and cabinets trying to figure out what would taste good together. I came across some Rhodes frozen rolls that I'm pretty sure had been there a while. I was determined to use them and came up with the idea to use them as crusts for our very own personal pizzas! I was impressed with the sharp thinking and set out to get the little crusts ready. Amy came into the kitchen about the time they were ready for toppings. She asked what I was doing and I replied "Surprise, it's build your own pizza night!"

We set to work creating our very own masterpieces. Boy were they good!

The pizzas ready for baking!

Amy with her pizzas!

I cut mine into little bite size slices.

-Zach

Baby Update - Boy or Girl?

Soooo...I'm 14 weeks today! I'm starting to feel a little better, slowly but surely. We had another doctors appointment and got to see our little one today. How I love every u/s, seeing the baby move and grow, its amazing. And because we've been able to have an ultrasound at every appointment we already know what we are having! So...do you want to know? Hmmmm....?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
You sure you want to know?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
For real?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Ok ok, I'll tell you....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Its a....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>



We could not be more excited!! (well I might be just a tad more excited than Zach just because I love PINK and everything girly!) I really really wanted another girl. For lots of reasons, we already have all the stuff for a girl and I really want a little one to dress in pretty dresses and make fun bows for. But I did wonder if having a boy would be easier because it would be completely different from Alexis, in that we'd have to get all new clothes, etc. But I knew that nothing could replace my first baby, and that I still really wanted another girl. This baby will just benefit from all of her big sister's things! :) Everything looked just great on the ultrasound, I had lots of questions about possible problems but the doctor said everything he can look for right now looks just perfect. Wow, what a relief so far. Now I can't wait to be able to feel this one move!! I don't remember the exact time I first felt Lexi move, and it makes me sad I can't remember. I do remember the first time Zach felt her, it was classic! He had said that he thought it might be kind of weird to feel this thing moving inside of me, but the first time he could feel her move he got the BIGGEST smile on his face. It was the cutest dang thing ever. Oh how grateful I am for both my little girls!

p.s. I'm still worried about my angel mommy friends and how posts like these make them feel. :( I hope you all know I'm praying for you. And I've decided that I'm not going to post a lot of updates about this baby on Lexi's blog, those will be done on this blog, of course I may mention this baby in relation to Alexis, etc. But if you just don't want to read this blog because its too hard I TOTALLY understand, when I'm going to talk about the baby I will put something in the post title so you'll know too. {hugs!}

Raise money for NILMDTS!!

Go here and leave a comment and Totally Rad will donate $1 to NILMDTS for EVERY comment!!! Today is the last day so hurry over!!! http://www.gettotallyrad.com/blog/link-love/paislee-press-designs-by-taz.html

Oh Holy Night

Our systems are down at work, so I thought I'd take the time to post a little something. I love Christmas music. It's all so cheerful and full of fun lyrics and beautiful chords. But one of my all time favorite Christmas songs is "Oh Holy Night." I just love the picture it portrays of a quiet still winter night when Christ was born. It describes the mission and love that Christ had and the love we have for him because if it. It's a song of hope, cheer and rejoicing for the birth and sacrifice of Jesus Christ. It's such a beautiful, reverent song. I love this song so much, in fact, that I have a CD that I made with different artists singing the song. 12 tracks of Oh Holy Nightness. It's awesome.

Amy and I were fortunate enough to be able to attend the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas concert on Friday night (Thanks Mom and Dad Hansen for inviting us!). I'd never been to the concert, but knew it would be an amazing experience. The music of the Tabernacle Choir is amazing and so heavenly. It's no wonder they are world known. The Tabernacle Choir has always had special meaning to me and my family because of my grandfather's love of the choir (My mom's dad.)

My grandfather was orphaned when he was young and living in Kentucky. While in the orphanage, each child would get the chance to pick a radio program to listen to in the evenings. When it was my grandfather's turn, he always picked the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Even though he wasn't a member of the Church, he loved the music and would tell the other orphans that one day he would go to Salt Lake and see them in person. Even though the other kids made fun of him for such an outrageous statement, he insisted that he would.

When my grandfather was 17, he joined the air force to get out of the orphanage. He traveled to Europe and fought in World War II. At one point he was stationed in Utah and finally got the chance to see the Tabernacle Choir in person. A childhood dream fulfilled. He later met my grandmother in Utah, they were married and he was baptized into the Church. It's an amazing story and I've always thought of it when I hear the Tabernacle Choir sing.

Imagine how my excitment doubled when during the Christmas concert sang my most favorite Christmas song! It was a slightly different arrangement, but it was beautiful. Sent chills through me.



Here is the choir singing it at the Christmas devotional. Just amazing.

The concert also had a part where David McCullough narrated the story behind the song "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem." I think it's so interesting to know the story behind songs, so I looked up the story behind my favorite Christmas song.

The accounts I found say it is adapted from a French hymn "Minuit, Chrétiens" which was written in 1847 by poet Placide Cappeau as comission for his local parish priest. Cappeau was on his way to Paris when he wrote it and gave the poem to well known ballet and opera composer Adolphe Adam. The song was translated into English in 1855 by Sullivan Dwight, a Unitarian minister and American music critic. Apparently there was a lot of controversy over the hymm because of it's anti-slavery lyrics:

"Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother,
And in His name all oppression shall cease."

It's an amazing song and has an amazing message. I love it!

-Zach

HP Touchsmart Giveaways!!

There are some awesome giveaways going on that everyone should check out, 5 chances to win a free computer!! :)

Kelly's Korner
A Year of Slow Cooking
MckMama
Nie Nie Dialogues
BooMama

Good luck!

Thank you!

Thank you to everyone for your kind words of support and love! It means so much to me, really. We are really excited but at the same time its such a different experience being pregnant after a loss, gone is the naive innocent giddiness and all the hopeful planning. Instead I have an appointment on Tuesday and I'm TERRIFIED that the baby won't be alive. *sigh* Though it is very hard, I have a deeper sense of gratitude and hopefulness that I wouldn't have if I hadn't been through the opposite. My joy is greater because my sorrow has and is so deep.

For anyone that might be curious, we are doing well for the most part. We are still living at and managing a storage unit property. At first it was cool and exciting but that has worn off now and I often find myself feeling lonely, with no neighbors and the monotony of the same thing every day. I'm getting more anxious for Zach to get a reporter job so we can have some stability for a least a year. As things are right now we don't know what the future holds and its just a very unsettling feeling. If I knew we would be here for another year that would be one thing but I don't, as soon as Zach gets offered a job we'll be gone. I yearn for that feeling of knowing we will be staying in one place for an extended period of time.

Details about the baby...my technical due date is June 21, 2010...however, I won't go that long. At 36 weeks they will do an amnio to check the baby's lungs and if they are developed enough they will induce me...so we are 99% sure the baby will be here the third or fourth week of May. How I can't wait for that day!!!

Other things we have been up to....

For Halloween we carved pumpkins with Zach's family, Zach got a REALLY big pumpkin, and on actual Halloween night we went and saw my nephew go trick or treating and visited some good friends.


For Thanksgiving we went up to my sister's and had a scrumptious dinner there with her and some of her in laws. Its my family's turn this year but my whole family wasn't getting together
(boo! I'm not happy about this) so us Utahans had dinner together.

For Christmas we will be with Zach's family which should be fun. We just got out all the decorations so our house feels more like Christmas...kinda bitter sweet. I think I was subconsciously putting it off, and as we unwrapped the nativity, etc. I realized that the last time I saw these things was when I was putting them all away, just days after my baby had died. Lots of somber feelings coming back as her one year approaches.

Happy News

I was going to wait a couple more weeks to announce this, but really its a miracle I made it this far without spilling the beans to everyone! :) Its true, I'm pregnant! We are very excited, grateful, happy but also very nervous. We are trying to have faith and not fear but its very hard.

A baby that is conceived after a loss is often referred to as a "Rainbow Baby", if you really think about it the term is very fitting. A rainbow comes in the midst of a storm, in fact you can't have a rainbow without the storm. Another angel mom says it best, "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope." I just want to make it clear that Alexis is and always will be our first baby and will always be a part of our family. This pregnancy and new baby will help heal our heartache but this baby will also know that he/she has a big sister and we will always talk and include Alexis in our family. I've said this many times before, but I just don't want her to be forgotten.

So, we are entering a new part of our journey. So far everything looks great and the baby is growing. We've had two doctors appointments so far and at the last one we were able to hear and see a very strong heartbeat, 160 bpm. I've been pretty sick and "bleh" but I can't complain at all, I'm so grateful for this life inside of me.

Now, a lot of me has reservations about this post in that I don't want to hurt any of my wonderful angel mommy friend's feelings. I know it was hard for me to hear about others being pregnant and so I'm so sorry if this makes anyone kind of sad, but I want you to know that its okay and that I totally understand. I truly pray that this blessing will come to each of you. And I also have friends who have a hard time conceiving and I wish with ALL MY HEART that I could give this same blessing to you. Just know that I love you all and pray for you and am here for you!

Its a MIRACLE!!

Literally a miracle! Stellan is SVT FREE!! You have to go back and read the past few pots by his mom to understand what an utter miracle this is. Seriously, go to her site and read, http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ They did it!! I have chills! Its just so exciting. The Lord does indeed work mighty miracles. That little boy must have a very special mission to perform. Congratulations McKmama and Stellan and your whole family!

Pray for Stellan NOW!

A lot of you probably already know about Stellan, lots of you probably don't, but he and his family need your prayers RIGHT NOW! Please say a prayer this very minute for them, that Stellan will live if it is the Lord's will, and if not then that their family will be overcome with peace. You can read more about Stellan here: http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Lexi...Stellan's mommmy needs lots of comfort, please go be with them, lift them up and give them peace!

Love you - Mommy

Ramblings...

I'm just sitting here minding the Storage Unit office and I thought I would sieze the opportunity to write a little something. I don't know how this is going to turn out, so we'll see.

First off, can I just say it is such a pet peeve of mine when people screen calls and don't listen to voicemail. I called this lady and after I got done leaving a voicemail, she called back.... like 30 seconds after leaving the voicemail (obvious screening... At least wait a little bit. I make it a point to wait at LEAST 5 minutes when screening calls.) So I answer the phone... "Thank you for calling Towne Storage, West Valley. This is Zach, how can I help you?" (I want to start answering the phone "It's a beautiful day at Towne Storage West Valley, what's your favorite number?" But I don't know how well that would go over...

Anyway. The first thing this lady says when I answer the phone is:
"Yeah? I just got a call from this number. What do you want?"

Well, right away I'm put off. Obviously she didn't listen to my message or she'd KNOW what I wanted.

Me (in my most pleasent customer service voice, holding back my sarcasm): "Oh, I left you a very detailed message. You didn't listen to it?"

Her (slightly embarassed): "Oh... um, no. I just called back before I picked up the message."

What I wanted to say: "Oh, wow. That wasn't very smart. Maybe you should be more considerate and take the time to listen to sincerely placed voicmails before wasting my time by making me repeat myself because you were too lazy to pick up the phone in the first place."

What I actually said: "That's alright. I was just calling to... (proceeded to repeat the voicemail I left, almost verbatim.)

I have to be fair... maybe she sincerely didn't get to the phone in time. I know there have been times I've been making a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and haven't heard my phone until the 5th or 6th ring and by the time I run up the stairs, trip on the top step, flig open the bedroom door and hurdle the bed only to hear the sound of silence when I answer the phone. I have also experienced the delay of telephone processing messages. (Sometimes it makes me wonder if SD 6 is holding onto my voicemails and only filtering the parts they want me to hear, keeping the other parts for itelligence purposes.)

But in this situation, I really feel like I was screened/message ignored. Not a good feeling. In short:

Screened call + immediate call-back - waiting for message = big pet peeve.

Well, that turned into a longer posting than I thought. I've got things to do to close up the office. Thanks for listening to me rant.

-Zach (sorry, no cute flower signature here.)

Today...

in honor of Alexis and all babies who are "gone too soon", on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I've created a video that shows how we have tried to remember Alexis these past 9 months (and further back since it starts from when I was about 10 weeks pregnant!) and of how she has touched people's lives. (Not everyone's messages are in here...I apologize but I didn't have a lot of time to put this together but please know that I appreciate EVERY one that has been sent and they mean the world to me. If you haven't sent one you still can!, there is no time limit, whenever you get the chance) And just to warn you...the video is a tad long, but the music is really good! Just three songs long. Not too bad. :)

Without further ado!....
(If the video doesn't show up after a few seconds try refreshing your browser)

And don't forget!...

If you do light a candle I would LOVE it if you sent me a picture of it lit, wouldn't it be cool to have a bunch of pictures of all the candles that were lit?! You can email them to amy.chinagal@gmail.com

And to all my angel mommy friends...I'm thinking of you and your sweet angels today! You have blessed my life more than you know, thank you for your support and your example to me. And thank you to EVERYONE who has lifted us up and continued to do so as we continue to walk this path...we are very blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives.

October 15th

October 15th is known throughout the country as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I realized today that it will also be Alexis' nine month angelversary! How ironic is that? I think its kinda cool.

I really want to do something special in her honor. We are going to the Utah SHARE "Walk to Remember" on Saturday, and I plan to light a candle and let it go all day on the 15th but there is something more I wanted to do. And thats where you all come in...I need your help. Though Alexis was not here for very long with us I hope she and her story have touched lives and made a difference. As her mother I've made it my mission to share her story and make sure her life means something to others and that she isn't forgotten.

So what I need from you is a letter of how Alexis has touched your life, what has she taught you? If you were lucky enough to hold her or see her what do you remember about her, what do you remember about the experience, feelings, etc? How has Alexis' life and story helped to change you for the better? Any thoughts about her and her influence you would like to share!

I know I'm not giving everyone a lot of time but I would really LOVE it if everyone would participate. Even if you've never met me or our family. Even if you've never emailed me or talked with me online. If Alexis' story has touched you I would love to hear about it. I really would love to see how many people's lives Alexis has touched. As a mother it would do my heart so much good. And I'd like to compile them all in a book. I would really love them by the 14th of October but if you can't get it to me by then still send it, whenever you can!

Thank you in advance! You can send the emails to amy.chinagal@gmail.com I'm excited to read everyone's experiences.

(and I haven't forgotten about my kit below, thanks for all your nice comments! I'm thinking I will make a mini kit for free based on the kit below, then the full kit will be available to buy)

Designing...

Ok...I've been trying my hand at designing and just finished my first kit, I'm really new to this so don't laugh! :) But I really wanted to get people's opinion and see how many people would want this kit. I haven't decided if I'm going to give it as a freebie or sell it. If you like it or want it please comment! :) Thanks!

Blog Designs

I've mentioned before that I design for Designer Blogs. I love it...its so fun. Anyway, I've been creating "Premades" which are blog designs that are already done that we customize with your own photos and text, and you can add any other things to your blog you want, without having to wait in the queue! And the cost is a lot less than the totally custom designs. We are coming out with new designs all the time and there is a lot of variety to fit any taste.

And just for all of you who read our blog, I'm offering 10% off any premade order! Just click the cute little button below, choose the design you'd like and then on the order form put in the referral question that you came from my personal blog. This is a spankin' deal...its so fun to have a new design for your little place on the web, just like buying a new outfit! And the premades are such an economical option. Spread the news! And if you have any suggestions of designs, ie color schemes, themes, etc. that you'd like to see, please leave them in the comments and I'll put something together and add it to our premade inventory. So go ahead...treat yourself to a new little outfit for your place on the web by clicking the button below! And while you are at it, grab the button code on the sidebar for your blog.

Last Chance Plea!

Hello Friends and Family!

I know you are probably getting really sick of me. But I just wanted to make a last chance plea for the Peace of Mind Fund! Some of you have already donated and I sooo appreciate it...more than you know! I really don't want anyone to feel pressured...but if you can spare that $5 or so it would really help add up to helping my friend Natalie get the peace of mind she so desperately needs. Take it from someone who knows what she is going through...it will be such a blessing to be able to monitor the baby. If you haven't been to the blog yet that tells in more detail what we are trying to do I'd invite you to head on over there: http://www.peaceofmindfund.blogspot.com

We haven't met our goal yet and we don't have a lot of time left! Here are the cute kids from the Little Rascals backing us up...lol...just substitute "We need to build a new clubhouse" with "We need to send Natalie to Louisiana!"

Honoring Julie and Alexis' TV debut!

Julie Williams is an amazing earthly angel and deserves this recognition and so much more! Alexis made her TV debut also! I'm such a proud mommy. :) What a perfect way to celebrate Alexis' 6 month angelversary.

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

6 months

We have so much going on right now that I can't really post a very long post but I couldn't let today get away from me without acknowledging that it was exactly 6 months ago today that we help our angel in our arms. Wow...6 months. That sounds like so long but not at the same time. Time is so strange sometimes. We miss her more than ever. We love you Lexi and hope you will visit us often!

Its been too long

First of all...Happy Independence Day! Do you like my festive blog design? I did it myself, designing for a blog design company (read below). Thank you to all those past and present who have fought for our freedom. May we all live in such a way to deserve it and give back.

Wow...its been a while since I've updated here! I've been super busy designing for a blog design company, check it out: Designer Blogs and working on The Peace of Mind Fund/Giveaways

And thats not all...we've been busy getting our house on the market to sell! If you are interested or know anyone interested please let us know. Please tell all your friends too. We REALLY need to sell it quickly to take advantage of another opportunity. We are willing to rent it too. You can see picture here. Click "Property Tour" to see lots of pictures!

Plus, we've had family reunions on both of our sides right in a row! Just got back from one today. And even before that we went to Cali for my dad's retirement party. Wow...it has been a while hasn't it?

And most important of all it was Alexis' 5 month angelversary June 15th. I'm sad that I didn't post on that day. It doesn't mean that we've forgotten...we will never forget. And it hasn't really gotten any easier, we just have good days and bad days. Life really is so hard. I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

Here are some pictures of our latest adventures and I promise to post more details later. :) They are in order of occurrence.

At Alexis' grave Memorial Day weekend. We miss her. :(

Visiting my Grandpa's grave on Memorial Day.

At my dad's retirement party...Zach gave my nephew Cannon a taste of this tart smoothie and he made the funniest pucker face! :) lol

All the siblings were able to be there, and some inlaws. It was a great night to honor my wonderful father. He has helped so many, there were A LOT of people there. My dad didn't want us to do the party because he was uncomfortable with the attention but we told him he didn't have a choice. :)

Setting up my little "store" for my sisters to buy my bows! :)

Zach's dad's family reunion at Bryce Canyon

Natural Bridge at Bryce Canyon, the whole park is beautiful! It was my first time there.

This is where we stayed, a little log cabin! It was so fun!

Archery at the Reid Ranch for my mom's side family reunion!


My first fishing experience that I can actually remember...I really really wanted to catch something but I didn't. :(

Making smores by the campfire...yummy!

Silent Auction for Carol

Check out this silent auction for an amazing cause!! One of my bows and headbands are up for auction towards the bottom of the page: http://auctionforcarol.blogspot.com/

Peace of mind...

I started a site to help out my friend Natalie who also lost a baby like we lost Alexis. She needs our help. I've seen the power the blogging world can have in coming together to help someone, lets do that now! Please go and read about it and to grab the advertising button by clicking the picture below...



And if all of you would be willing to put the button on your blog and tell everyone you know I would really really appreciate it. I really want this to work out for her! Thank you!

Angels Watch 5k

Here is a picture story of our 5k today...Zach's mom and sister came with us too :). If you are new to our site and don't know what 5k I'm talking about go here.

They did a dove release at the beginning...a few families that have been benefited by Angel Watch helped release them. It was really cool. One of those families I knew about because Julie, the photographer that did Alexis' pictures, also did theirs and they were in a news article about the race, you can view it here: http://www.heraldextra.com/content/view/308611/136/ Anyway...I met them. They lost their sweet Abigail only 2 weeks ago. They seemed like a really neat couple. They had t-shirts made too.

I love these types of tulips. Do you like my photography?! :)

Walking, walking, walking...

Beautiful scenery!

Stopped for a sec to get a photo...then ran to catch up.

More beautiful garden...can't get enough of these!

LOVE the tulips!

After the race...not too shabby. As we came around the corner to the finish they had a big clock counting the time and it was about 59 minutes with the seconds going...I grabbed Zach's hand and told him to RUN so we could make it before an hour. Wahoo!!! :) It was a 5k walk not run for us.


The backs of our shirts. I asked Zach as we were walking if he thought Alexis was walking with us and he said yes. I think she was...oh how I wish I could see her at times. Zach's mom said she was sitting on Zach's shoulers. lol It was a beautiful day and a wonderful experience to honor our baby girl. Love you Lexi and we miss you!