Alexis' Blog

I decided to start another blog dedicated to Alexis where I can write down all my thoughts and feelings about this experience. Of course we will talk about her all the time on this blog but this way I don't have to worry about sounding too sad or upset on this one and hopefully it can be a place where others who have gone through or will go through something like this can find hope and strength and know that they are not alone. I know its helped me a ton to connect with others that have gone through similar things like this. I'm going to test this out and see if I like it...if not I'll just stick with the one blog. We'll see. Anyway, so feel free to visit and comment on this blog and on Alexis' blog! Here is a link: Bloom Where You Are Planted

Random thoughts...

Its been a while since I've posted. Life hasn't been very exciting...just trying to continue on with this emptiness in our hearts. I don't want these posts to always be sad and gloomy but I also want to express my true feelings and right now its hard. Some people may think that over time it will get easier and that I should "get over it" eventually. Its not true...I will never "get over" this experience. I don't want to. There will always be a part of my heart that belongs to Alexis. Sometimes it gets harder later on as the reality hits you and you try to live life and you see others moving on. So please bear with us...this is a foreign journey for us.

Its interesting how some things really help that you wouldn't think would help and other things aren't hard when you think it would be. Like this past Sunday, we sat next to a friend in church that had her baby on Dec. 24th..she and I were pregnant together and she had a little girl. Well, she let me hold her and I loved it...it wasn't very hard, I didn't even cry or anything. Part of it probably is because I knew the baby wasn't mine, I couldn't really even imagine her being mine because she has darker skin. But it wasn't too hard. But...it is hard to see friends that I was pregnant with having their babies now. I want to be honest...it is hard and if those friends are reading this please do not feel bad, I am so happy for you, but I am still sad for me. I want you to know it is hard for me but I don't want you to avoid me either.

Scrapbooking Alexis' pictures has been sooo therapeutic for me! I don't know if I would have thought that I would love scrapbooking the pictures so much but I just love creating these pages that mean something and will be a record and a reminder of her. I still cannot say enough how grateful we are for NILMDTS and Julie Williams for these beautiful pictures! I'm hoping that I can get a good camera soon and learn enough to be able to be a volunteer photographer for this company.

So anyway...we are still grieving...we have hard days and better days. We miss Alexis more than words can say. We feel an added desire to live righteously so we can live with her someday...she has her spot in the Celestial Kingdom ensured...now its up to us to live so that we can be with her there. (If you have any questions about our beliefs you can learn more here.)

Zach is busy, busy, busy with school, work and internship plus church responsibilities. I feel bad that he was thrown back into a crazy schedule so soon after losing his daughter. He does love his internship at KSL and looks forward to that which I'm so grateful for, because it means he will like his job! He is really good at it and the people there really love him. I know I'm biased but its not just me...our Stake President is an Executive Producer at KSL and he just told us how much everyone likes Zach at the station.

I just started back to part time work at LDS Family Services as a receptionist. Its a good environment and good people so if I have to go back to work I'm grateful to be able to work there. Everyone has been very kind and understanding. I'm feeling much better physically, pretty much all healed. I have my 6 week appointment tomorrow...I'm a little nervous as to how it is going to go, emotionally more than anything because the last time I was there I found out my baby's heart had stopped beating. I still have these incredulous moments where I just can't believe this has happened to us! But it has and we are forever changed. Its amazing how our perspective has changed on life and death.

I'm debating whether or not I should make a separate blog where I can express my thoughts and feelings related to this experience so that this blog isn't so saturated with that...not that we wouldn't talk about it here...we would, all the time. We love to talk about Alexis and show her off to people...but the other blog could be a place for us to vent and express things we have learned and been feeling. I don't know...we will see. Anyway...I'm just kinda rambling now. Here are some scrapbook pages I've done lately (click on the picture to view it bigger):

Remembering

For those who don't know, I am really big into digital scrapbooking. I've been in somewhat of a rut lately but I've finally come out of it and started scrapping again. It really is therapeutic for me to do pages of the baby, etc. Here are some pages I've done recently (click on the picture for a bigger view):

Zach's News Story

Zach is interning at KSL and he has really been loving it. Below is a video of a story he wrote that they aired on TV (he has had multiple ones aired)!!! I'm sooo proud of him!

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

One Month

To be exact...at 9:30 pm its has been 28 days, 13 hours and 15 minutes since our angel Alexis was born. It seems fitting that this day would be the same as my birthday. I like being able to share something with my baby. I miss her. I can't believe its already been a month. We have been doing okay...we have our ups and downs. We are sad but I feel like Joseph Smith said it perfectly talking about mourning for the death of a child, "...we do not mourn as those without hope." We have faith and hope in the Plan of our Heavenly Father that we will see her again. And really isn't that the desire of every LDS mother?...To have her children with her forever in the Celestial Kingdom? I love this scripture: 3 John 1:4 "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth." And my baby girl is guaranteed her spot already! What a blessing! Now we feel so much more desire and need to live in such a way that we will make it there too, with her. One of my new friends that lost her baby boy a while ago sent me something where she posed the question, "What is best for Alexis?" Instead of feeling bad for ourselves we should focus on the fact that Alexis is happy and in a pain free, worry free place. It doesn't mean we don't miss her, we do...so very much. But the Gospel and everyone's support makes it bearable.

I went to Alexis' grave today. I like to go every Thursday since she was born on a Thursday. I also wanted to decorate her grave for Valentines Day. Because the ground is frozen they can't put her headstone in yet so I wanted something there to mark where her grave is...and she needs some cuteness there! :) Here is a picture:



Thank you to everyone who has visited, called, sent flowers/cards, brought us meals and for all of your prayers! We have really felt them. Thank you again and again from the bottom of our hearts!

Since it is my birthday I figured I would post some pictures of the day's festivities! First Zach made me breakfast in bed this morning then he took me to dinner at Trio:



Then he made me this wonderful cake!



I have the best husband in the world!

Vote for Lizzie!

My niece is a contestant in this model search thing that benefits Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. This is an organization that has volunteer professional photographers that come to the hospital and take pictures for those that will not be able to leave the hospital with their babies (still born, babies that pass away shortly after birth, etc.). A photographer with this organization came and took our pictures and words cannot express how grateful we are for them!! So..how can you help? Vote for my niece! Each vote is $1. Only $1!! Thats not very much but if everyone voted once or twice (only $1 or $2) it will add up! All the money goes to this amazing organization. Go to this link to vote for my niece (isn't she adorable?!): http://www.sandypucvotes.com/pickpic/gallery/image.php?id=413

You can go to this link to learn more about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep: http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Due Date

This is an "example" of a conversation I had I don't know how many times over the past nine months:

Friend/Family member/Stranger: "When are you due?"

Me: "February 3rd, but I'm hoping she comes a little earlier!"

February 3rd, February 3rd, February 3rd...that was the magic day...that is when I was due! I couldn't wait for that day to come. Of course I knew I probably wouldn't deliver right on that day but I knew it would be sometime around that day. And today is February 3rd and I didn't expect to not have my baby with me today. I sometimes just can't believe this has happened to us. Its been almost three weeks since our baby was born still. Part of me feels like the time has past quickly but then another part of me feels like it was so long ago. I feel like I am walking around in a fog...like all of this isn't completely real. I don't know if I am doing any of this right...this grieving process. I know its different for everyone but I still can't help but wonder if what I'm feeling is "normal" or "ok".

Anyway, sorry to be kind of gloomy today but I wanted to express some of my feelings...its good to get it out somehow.

Two wonderful years!

Today is our TWO YEAR anniversary! Wow. Time certainly does fly. It has been the best two years of my life. I love going through life with my best friend Zach right by my side. It makes the good times so much better and the hard times easier. Though we are still very much grieving and mourning the loss of our little one Alexis and we wish with all our hearts that we were celebrating our anniversary under different circumstances, we find great comfort in each other and in our knowledge that we will be able to raise her someday. And so we are happy to celebrate our life together today! I love Zach soooo much and can't imagine my life without him. Two years down...an eternity to go! :) Here are some pictures of our journey together thus far...

June 2006 EFY counselors...where we met! Zach totally surprised me by kissing me in the picture below. That is genuine surprise on my face! So glad one of our EFY kids caught it on camera!

Fall 2006 - Dating

October 2006 - Engaged! Zach put the ring

in a fortune cookie and wrote "Will you marry me?"

on the little fortune slip. This is kinda a funny picture

of us both but its the only one we have right after

he proposed!

February 2, 2007
Husband and Wife for time and all eternity!

Three month anniversary at Mimi's Cafe


Summer 2007 - Hawaii


Pairasailing in Hawaii

Halloween 2007
The Pimp and The Princess



February 2, 2008
One Year Anniversary at The Melting Pot


March 2008
Moving to our new townhome

April 2008 - Argentina Trip


May 2008 at Zach's brother's wedding
We had just found out that morning that
we were pregnant!!


Christmas 2008 - Ice Skating
You can't really tell but I'm huge here!


January 2009 - Our eternal family picture

If you've made it this far congratulations! :) There is much more to our story and journey of course but you get the idea. We've had happy times and sad times. Right now we are going through the hardest time we have ever been through. We are grateful for the knowledge of eternal families, for our marriage in the temple that seals us together forever and to be together now to strengthen and lift each other.