Its interesting how some things really help that you wouldn't think would help and other things aren't hard when you think it would be. Like this past Sunday, we sat next to a friend in church that had her baby on Dec. 24th..she and I were pregnant together and she had a little girl. Well, she let me hold her and I loved it...it wasn't very hard, I didn't even cry or anything. Part of it probably is because I knew the baby wasn't mine, I couldn't really even imagine her being mine because she has darker skin. But it wasn't too hard. But...it is hard to see friends that I was pregnant with having their babies now. I want to be honest...it is hard and if those friends are reading this please do not feel bad, I am so happy for you, but I am still sad for me. I want you to know it is hard for me but I don't want you to avoid me either.
Scrapbooking Alexis' pictures has been sooo therapeutic for me! I don't know if I would have thought that I would love scrapbooking the pictures so much but I just love creating these pages that mean something and will be a record and a reminder of her. I still cannot say enough how grateful we are for NILMDTS and Julie Williams for these beautiful pictures! I'm hoping that I can get a good camera soon and learn enough to be able to be a volunteer photographer for this company.
So anyway...we are still grieving...we have hard days and better days. We miss Alexis more than words can say. We feel an added desire to live righteously so we can live with her someday...she has her spot in the Celestial Kingdom ensured...now its up to us to live so that we can be with her there. (If you have any questions about our beliefs you can learn more here.)
Zach is busy, busy, busy with school, work and internship plus church responsibilities. I feel bad that he was thrown back into a crazy schedule so soon after losing his daughter. He does love his internship at KSL and looks forward to that which I'm so grateful for, because it means he will like his job! He is really good at it and the people there really love him. I know I'm biased but its not just me...our Stake President is an Executive Producer at KSL and he just told us how much everyone likes Zach at the station.
I just started back to part time work at LDS Family Services as a receptionist. Its a good environment and good people so if I have to go back to work I'm grateful to be able to work there. Everyone has been very kind and understanding. I'm feeling much better physically, pretty much all healed. I have my 6 week appointment tomorrow...I'm a little nervous as to how it is going to go, emotionally more than anything because the last time I was there I found out my baby's heart had stopped beating. I still have these incredulous moments where I just can't believe this has happened to us! But it has and we are forever changed. Its amazing how our perspective has changed on life and death.
I'm debating whether or not I should make a separate blog where I can express my thoughts and feelings related to this experience so that this blog isn't so saturated with that...not that we wouldn't talk about it here...we would, all the time. We love to talk about Alexis and show her off to people...but the other blog could be a place for us to vent and express things we have learned and been feeling. I don't know...we will see. Anyway...I'm just kinda rambling now. Here are some scrapbook pages I've done lately (click on the picture to view it bigger):
11 comments:
Oh Amy. I totally know how you feel. I say start another blog. Its been so helpful to me. I feel like I can express myself the way I want and not feel like I am always being sad on my family one, although I still talk about him on there and he is our family.
And you don't even have to move on. Life does go on but she'll always be apart of your family. You'll always think about her and love her. I'm sorry that all the people around you are having their babies, I am going through the same thing. I am glad that holding a baby was good for you. I haven't had the opportunity to hold a newborn yet, I want to so bad but I'm scared at the same time. Good luck at the Dr, I hope it goes well. And I think that would amazing to be a photographer, I say do it.
Hi Amy, I think it helps if you start another blog. I'm working on Ammon's, I just started it the other day but there's no post yet. I understand what you you feel being surrounded with a lot of babies. I was and still having a hard time every first Sunday. I always cry seeing a baby being blessed coz I always remember my little Ammon. Losing a child is not something we "get over" with. It's something that we learn to live with and it takes time. I am praying for you and your husband!
love,
Daisy
P.S.
You are very creative! Your pages are beautiful! I scrapbook too but I haven't tried digital scrapbooking.
I have really started to feel the same way lately about the blog. Starting one just for the boys. I think I may do that in the future.
I had close to 10 friends and family members who were all pregnant the same time I was and I feel the same way...happy for them but, I just can't bring myself to see them. I actually had one of my friends who gave birth to her 2nd daughter the same day I gave birth to the boys who was 2 rooms down from me. I have yet to visit her and her new daughter. I just can't.
I do hope your Dr visit goes well. I'll be thinking of you.
*hugs*
Amy...seeing my friends that I was pregnant with for the first time was one of the hardest things for me! (We talked a little more about my internal feelings on the phone...I won't share those with everyone :) It takes a lot of courage and a determination to face the hard things even when we don't want to. It would be so much easier to run away and hide from all of the hard things...but salt in the wound is an important part of healing...
Going back to my doctor for the first time was sooooo hard for me, you can read about it in the post titled "a hard visit" on my blog. I hope yours went a little better :) I am anxious to talk to you and see what he told you about getting pregnant again...the time table and all of those things.
I think of you often and send lots of love your way!
Thanks for your honesty and the spiritual uplift. I needed it. We have never met but Im so glad I came across your blog. You have inspired me to be a better mom. I hope you dont mind that I mentioned your blog in my blog. I also added you to my blog list. Thanks again!
Thanks for your thoughts. I always love reading what you have to say. Life, even family life, is sometimes really hard and sometime joyful. I admire you for being brave enough to talk about it. I love hearing how you are doing. If you start another blog let me know. The scrapbook pages are beautiful! You have a talent Amy. I'm sure you would be a talented photographer as well. It takes passion to truly be good at anything. I love you Amy!
Amy, I love reading your blog, It is REAL. You lost someone you not only love, But someone you created. It is great that you blog your true feelings. It not only teaches us through your experience but it helps us to begin to understand what you must be feeling. Those pictures, are angelic, Great job scrapbooking them. There is also a website called angellayettes.org it's beautiful. I want you to know that I thought of you and Zach the entire time I was making them. I love you.
I really like the picture of you guys holding Alexis's feet and you can see Zach's white sleeve and wedding ring. I think it looks so heavenly with all the white and eternal!
Beautiful job with the scrap book pages. Your blog enteries are fantastic. I am so glad that you are expressing your true feelings. It is good to hear that you are back at work too. I hope that helps your heart to heal. Lots of Love!
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. I find it so comforting to find that what I am feeling, I am not alone in. Thank you for your comments, it means so much to me. Lots of love to you guys!
I was looking back at your beautiful digital scrapbook pages since I just got into digital scrapbooking and I have to say that Lexi looks beautiful. I love the bottom one and I love the flower and headband! I will have to buy some from you! She is so precious!!!!
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